Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 8: Giving and Receiving between Spiritual Friends (Book 3.97–134)

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such a thing as good correction, and it is much better by far than a silent friendship. Even if your friend thinks you are doing him harm, correct him still. For a wounded friend is more bearable than shows of affection from flatterers ( Prov 27:6 ). Therefore, correct your erring friend. 7 However, above all else, you should avoid mental anger and bitterness in correcting a friend, lest you seem to be bent on venting your own spleen rather than truly correcting your friend. 8 107. For I have seen some people veil long held bitterness and raging anger under the pretense of zeal and freedom in correcting their friends; by following impulse rather than reason they never do good by administering such correction; instead, they are more often an impediment to moral correction. But among friends there is no excuse for this vice. For one friend ought to be compassionate to another, he ought to condescend, to consider his friend’s fault his own. He should correct humbly and compassionately. Indeed, his rather sad expression, his sorrowful voice should administer the correction; his tears should interrupt his words, so that his friend not only sees but also feels in his heart that the correction comes from love and not from rancor. If by chance your friend rejects your first correction, give him a second. Meanwhile, beseech and lament, bearing a sad expression on your face, but maintaining a pious affection for your friend.

7 Ambrose, On the Duties of the Clergy, 3.128. 8 Venting your spleen – an idiom implying that you are trying to get rid of your own feelings of anger by attacking someone else.