Healing the Wounds of Trauma

Harriet Hill, Margaret Hill, Richard Baggé, Pat Miersma

Healing the Wounds of Trauma How the Church Can Help

North America Edition 2014

ABOUT THIS BOOK

HEALING THE WOUNDS OF TRAUMA

© Harriet Hill, Margaret Hill, Richard Baggé, and Pat Miersma

Year of first publication 2004 Revised edition 2013 North America edition 2014 (November revision)

ISBN 978-1-941449-00-4 ABS Item 124266

This book is intentionally written in basic English.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Good News Translation © 1992 American Bible Society, unless otherwise noted.

Suicide story adapted from a story by Rosalie Little Thunder Cover image: Wounds of the Heart, a mixed media artwork by Jessica Martin created for the GIAL Arts & Trauma Healing graduate course, Dallas, Texas, February 2014. By permission.

Illustrations: Ian Dale Design: Peter Edman

For training in how to use this book to carry out trauma healing, see your local Bible Society, visit TraumaHealingInstitute.org , or write to traumahealing@americanbible.org.

101 North Independence Mall East Philadelphia PA 19106

CONTENTS

About This Book........................................................................................ 2 The Goals of This Book............................................................................. 5 How This Book Came About..................................................................... 6 How to Use This Book............................................................................... 8 Lesson 1 If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?. .....................12 Lesson 2 How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?.....21 Lesson 3 What Happens When Someone Is Grieving?...........32 Lesson 4 How Can We Help Children Who Have Experienced Bad Things?................................. 43 Lesson 5 How Can We Help Someone Who Has Been Raped?. ...... 50 Lesson 6A Domestic Abuse.................................................................. 60 Lesson 6B Suicide. ............................................................................... 69 Lesson 6C Addictions. ......................................................................... 76 Lesson 7 Caring for the Caregiver.................................................... 83 Lesson 8 Response: Taking Your Pain to the Cross. ..............90 Lesson 9 How Can We Forgive Others?. ...............................95 Lesson 10 How Can We Live as Christians in the Midst of Conflict?................................................... 102 Lesson 11 Looking Ahead.................................................................. 113 Forgiveness Ceremony. .......................................................................... 120 Recommended Readings........................................................................ 123 Acknowledgements. ............................................................................... 124 About the Authors.................................................................................. 125

(Titles in bold are the core lessons.)

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Contents

The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope. Psalm 34.18

THE GOALS OF THIS BOOK

A cross the world, wars, crime, natural disasters, human traffick- ing, car accidents, ethnic conflict, homelessness, and domestic abuse leave people traumatized. Often those traumatized are Christians, and the Church has a clear responsibility to care for its members (Acts 20.28). Beyond the Church, Christians are to be light and salt in the world. This is particularly important in times of suffering or conflict. This book seeks to equip church leaders to help theirmembers after major trauma has occurred. It can also help families or individuals who struggle with issues surrounding suffering. Each lesson gives basic pastoral counseling principles within a biblical framework. Passages from Scripture are included throughout this book because the knowledge of God, his character, and his relationship with people provide the foundation for healing. Many places in the Bible speak of God’s people suffering. For example, suffering is one of the main themes in certain epistles. The psalmists are able to express how they feel in times of suffering. The book of Job treats the problem of innocent people suffering. God’s Word speaks most deeply to people in the language of their hearts. The intention of the authors is that the book, along with Scriptures, be made available in the language that suits people best.

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The Goals of This Book

HOW THIS BOOK CAME ABOUT

H ow can people recover from traumatic experiences? Can the Bible help? These were questions exercising the minds of Harriet Hill, Margaret Hill, Richard Baggé, and Pat Miersma as they witnessed people’s suffering in the aftermath of war in the late 1990s.They were all members of SIL, living and working in Africa serving the cause of Bible translation. At the time there was little Bible-based mental health material that rural church leaders could make use of in their context. One resource was Rhiannon Lloyd’s book, Healing the Wounds of Ethnic Conflict: The Role of the Church in Healing, Forgiveness, and Reconcili- ation. Inspired by that work, and with her permission, the authors set out to develop a curriculum for local churches that was teachable, translatable, and reproducible. In 2001 the first lessons were drafted at a gathering of mental health professionals, Bible translators, Scripture engagement consul- tants, and church leaders fromwar zones across Africa. In 2002, these materials were piloted with church leaders from ten ethnic groups. They had opportunity to translate the materials into their languages, find healing from their own trauma, and develop plans to help oth- ers impacted by trauma in their communities. Feedback from their use of the material led to revisions and the first published edition in 2004 by Paulines Publications in Nairobi. By 2011 the materials had spread into forty-two countries on five continents and had been translated, in whole or in part, into 157 languages. As demand for thematerials and training increased, it became clear to SIL that a broader structure was needed to enable a more adequate response. This recognition coincided with American Bible Society’s interest in trauma healing in the Great Lakes Region of Africa. Con- sequently, in 2010, American Bible Society (ABS) agreed to become the authors’ agent and appointed Dr. Harriet Hill as Trauma Healing

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How This Book Came About

Program Director. The materials and program model were further improved to increase the scope and effectiveness of the ministry. A Trauma Healing Advisory Council of mental health professionals, co-chaired by Dr. Diane Langberg and Dr. Phil Monroe, ensured the ministry benefitted from best practice in mental health. ABS’s Nida Institute for Biblical Scholarship screened the materials to ensure that Scripture is used accurately. In 2012, ABS convened an inaugural “Community of Practice” to bring together organizations that shared a trauma healing agenda to collaboratively respond to the need. This group affirmed the foundational principles on which the ministry had been based for over a decade: • Grounded in Bible, mental health expertise, and prayer • Contextualized for culture, language, and format • Field tested • Drawing on and developing local expertise • Community based • Experiential and participatory • Committed to a sustainable process over time • Collaborating with others In 2012, American Bible Society established the Trauma Healing Institute to support, develop, and license this ministry approach. It works with Bible Societies and other partners worldwide to equip and certify facilitators to care for traumatized people. A revised edition of this book was released in 2013, and in 2014, ABS released this new edition with stories contextualized for North America.

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How This Book Came About

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

T his book is designed for use in groups—in equipping sessions to train church leaders as trauma healing facilitators who in turn equip others, and in healing groups to help those wounded by trauma. To initiate a trauma healing ministry in an area, top leaders of churches and organizations are convened to help them understand the need for trauma healing, to introduce the program, and to invite them to integrate it into their ministries. Once there is high-level support for the program, an equipping session is organized for lead- ers from as many churches as possible. These are the people who can train others so that the teaching can permeate an area (2 Ti 2.2). After the initial equipping session, participants start to use what they have learned in their communities by leading healing groups. They return for an advanced session where they report on their experiences, increase their teaching and listening skills, and plan long-term trauma healing programs for their communities with a goal of providing trauma care for all those in their area who need it. About the lessons Lessons 1, 2, 3, 8, and 9 are the core lessons, and should always be covered. Lesson 1 discusses questions about God that come when there is great suffering. Lesson 2 helps us to recognize that wounds of the heart need to be cared for in the same way that physical wounds need to be cared for.These two lessons are longer than the others and, with the listening exercise and the art exercise at the end of Lesson 2, can take a full day. Lesson 3 describes the process of grief that allows us to be healed from trauma and loss. The lament exercise at the end of this lesson should be done as a separate session. Lessons 4–8 cover special topics:

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How to Use This Book

helping children who have experienced trauma, helping people who have been raped, ministering in cases of domestic abuse, suicide, and addictions, and caring for caregivers. Choose the lessons that are most important for your community according to the time you have available. “Taking Your Pain to the Cross” (Lesson 8) provides a time for people to experience God’s healing of their pain. Do at least Lessons 1, 2, and 3 before doing this lesson. Lesson 9 is a core lesson dealing with forgiveness and repentance. Be sure you allow people to express their pain and bring it to the cross before doing this lesson. If your community is torn by conflict, continue with Lesson 10, living as a Christian in the midst of conflict. Lesson 11 looks at preparing practically and spiritually for coming trouble. The Forgiveness Ceremony provides individuals and groups with an opportunity to confess their sins and receive forgiveness. It can be done at advanced equipping sessions, or at the final meeting of a healing group.

CORE LESSONS

RESPONSE

OPTIONAL LESSONS

8 Taking Your Pain to the Cross

1, 2, 3

4, 5, 6a, 6b, 6c, 7

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11

Forgiveness Ceremony

Note: The stories for each lesson in this North America edition dif- fer from those in other editions of the book. New topical lessons on domestic abuse, suicide, and addictions have been added and a lesson on HIV/AIDS has been omitted. Preparing for the sessions This book can be used in seminars or in weekly meetings, according to the context. Allow between 1½ and 3 hours per lesson. Study the lesson in advance and pick the teachings and exercises that are most relevant for your situation. Youmay not have time to cover everything.

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How to Use This Book

An important part of the healing process is for participants to share the trauma they have experienced. They should do this without justifying themselves, accusing others, or giving somany details that they upset others.The group can then pray for those who have shared. You may need to prepare skits or gather materials for certain lessons, such as Taking Your Pain to the Cross and the Forgiveness Ceremony. Instructions are found at the beginning of those lessons. People remember 20 percent of what they hear, 50 percent of what they see, and 80 percent of what they experience. Participants will learn more if the leaders lecture less. Participation will also help the healing process. The exercises included in the lessons should be done to realize the full value of the book. Section titles are often in the form of questions. Ask the group to answer the question, then add any points from the book they have not mentioned. Each lesson starts with a story that depicts the problem the lesson addresses. These stories should be read aloud and discussed in small groups. The purpose of the stories is to get the participants thinking about the subject and sharing their ideas. Discussion can be done either as a large group, in small groups, or in groups of two. Vary the kinds of groups you use throughout a lesson. • Small groups allow more participation by more people, espe- cially those who are quiet in the large group. Each group can report a summary of their discussion back to the large group. • Groups of two take less time and are especially good for ques- tions on more personal issues. Generally, they do not involve reporting the specifics of what was shared back to the main group. Take time to look up the Scripture references in the lessons and read them aloud. It is the Word of God that gives life and feeds people’s souls. If participants do not have Bibles or have difficulty looking up references, use the Scripture Companion Booklet for Trauma Healing (see below). Those who are being trained to help others should have a copy of this book and the Scriptures in the language that suits them best.

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How to Use This Book

Related resources Several resources are available to complement this book.

• Facilitator’s Handbooks. The handbooks explain step-by-step how to lead a trauma healing ministry from beginning to end, including the process for equipping facilitators. • Scripture Companion Booklet for Trauma Healing. This provides themain principles of each lesson alongwith Scripture passages written out in full. It is especially helpful for those suffering from trauma who do not have a Bible. • Related product lines for special audiences include an audio or story-based curriculum for communities where trauma is high and literacy is low and the Healing Hearts Club™ , a children’s curriculum appropriate for children aged 9–13. Contact the Trauma Healing Institute to check if materials have been translated into specific languages and, if not, the process for doing so. You can find print or digital editions of these resources, plus information on training, certification, partnerships, and more, at our website: TraumaHealingInstitute.org . Mandatory reporting requirements The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) is dedicated to the prevention of child abuse. Serv- ing theUnited States, its territories, andCanada, theHotline is staffed twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week with professional crisis counselors who, through interpreters, can provide assistance in 170 languages. All calls are anonymous and confidential. If you receive information causing you to suspect abuse of aminor, you have both amoral and a legal mandate to report it, even if you are a volunteer. Do not investigate the veracity of the evidence yourself.

THIS PRODUCT IS NOT INTENDED TO DIAGNOSE, TREAT, OR CURE ANY DISEASE. USE OF THIS PRODUCT INDICATES THE RECIPIENT UNDERSTANDS THIS.

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How to Use This Book

Lesson 1 IF GOD LOVES US, WHY DO WE SUFFER?

1. The story of Pastor Ben In the city of Los Gatos lives a pastor named Ben. He never knew his father. Until he was three, he was raised by his mom. Then she died and he had to go live with his aunt. Her husband was cruel to Ben. He beat Ben often and didn’t give him enough to eat. Ben went to school and made friends. When he was in middle school, one of his friends invited him to his church. Ben believed that Jesus had died for him, so he became a Christian. After high school he went to Bible school. When he was just twenty-three, he became the pastor of a small church. He got married and had two sons. Over the years, gangs began to take control of his neighborhood in Los Gatos. Rival gangs had huge fights nearly every week. Ben saw innocent people being shot—children, women, passers-by. Several of the young girls in his church had been gang raped. Other families were robbed at gunpoint. Los Gatos had become a war zone. Ben was at the church one day preparing for an evening service when he got the dreaded call: come to the emergency room! His five- year-old son Johnson had been hit by a stray bullet. By the time Ben got to the hospital, it was too late. The doctors were not able to save little Johnson’s life. Ben still believes in the Bible, but he keeps asking why God has let him and his community suffer. He is angry with God and feels that God has deserted him. Sometimes he thinks that maybe God is not strong enough to stop these things from happening. When he thinks of God as his Father, he can’t imagine a loving father. In his experience, he only knew a father who was absent and an uncle who beat him cruelly.

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

One day he began to think of what he had been taught at school— that God didn’t exist, that God did not create the world. Ben knew that this was not what the Bible teaches, but some part of him felt it might be true after all. Maybe there wasn’t a God listening to his prayers. Sometimes Ben thinks these terrible things have happened because people are so sinful, so he preaches more about how God is judging them. At the end of his sermons, he sees the people looking sad and knows he is not helping them. Often when he is preaching, he feels like a hypocrite because he preaches about God’s love, but he really feels God is far away.

❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1. What is Ben feeling in his heart about God? 2. Why do you think Ben feels this way about God? 3. Have you ever felt like Ben? If so, explain.

2. When we are suffering, what do we need to remember about God’s character?

When we suffer, we try to make sense of our experience. What we know about God from the Bible might be different than what our culture tells us about what God is like. What our culture tells us may come to mind and cause us to doubt God’s love for us. ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION What does your culture tell you God is like, especially in times of suffering? In the large group, list responses on the board or flip chart. ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION Each table group should take one of the following verses and discuss the questions below. Romans 8.35–39 Psalm 34.18 Matthew 9.35–36 2 Peter 3.9–10 Genesis 6.5–6 1 John 4.9–10

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

1. What do these verses teach us about God’s character and rela- tionship with us? 2. How is this similar or different from our culture’s view of God? In the large group, read each passage aloud and compare what it tells us about God with what our cultures tell us about God. A. Romans 8.35–39 Who, then, can separate us from the love of Christ? Can trouble do it, or hardship or persecution or hunger or poverty or danger or death? As the Scripture says: “For your sake we are in danger of death at all times; we are treated like sheep that are going to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we have complete victory through himwho loved us! For I am certain that nothing can separate us fromhis love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the pres- ent nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below—there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord. Sometimes when trouble comes we think it means that God doesn’t love us anymore. This is not true. Nothing can separate us from his love. God promises to always be with us, even when we suffer (Ps 23.4–5; He 13.5b–6; Is 43.1–2). GOD STILL LOVES US. B. 2 Peter 3.9 The Lord is not slow to do what he has promised, as some think. Instead, he is patient with you, because he does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants all to turn away from their sins. When we pray that God will stop a certain evil thing, and it continues, wemust not think it is because God is weak. He is in control and hears our prayers. He is slow to act because he wants to give everyone time to repent, not because he is weak. When the time is right, he will powerfully judge sin (Ps 73.25–28; Ro 9.22–24). GOD IS ALL-POWERFUL.

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

C. Psalm 34.18 The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; he saves those who have lost all hope.

Jesus understands our suffering because he suffered on the cross. His suffering was far beyond anything we will ever experience (Mt 27.46; He 12.2–3). He suffers with those who are suffering (Mt 25.35–36). He is merciful and gracious even when we have doubts (Is 63.9; Is 53.3–4; He 2.18). GOD SUFFERS WITH US AND FEELS OUR PAIN. D. Genesis 6.5–6 When the Lord saw how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were all the time, he was sorry that he had ever made them and put them on the earth. Not everything that happens is the perfect will of God. God hates evil and injustice (Pr 6.16–19; Ro 1.18). GOD HATES EVIL AND INJUSTICE. E. Matthew 9.35–36 Jesus went around visiting all the towns and villages. He taught in the synagogues, preached the GoodNews about the Kingdom, and healed people with every kind of disease and sickness. As he saw the crowds, his heart was filled with pity for them, because they were worried and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Jesus went looking for people who were suffering. He preached the GoodNews and healed people of all their diseases. He felt pity for them. JESUS LOOKS FOR US WHEN WE ARE SUFFERING AND HAS PITY ON US. F. 1 John 4.9–10 And God showed his love for us by sending his only Son into the world, so that we might have life through him. This is what love is: it is not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the means by which our sins are forgiven. God loved us so much he sent his Son into the world to give us life and forgiveness of our sins. GOD LOVED US SO MUCH HE SACRIFICED HIS SON FOR US.

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

3. What is the origin of suffering in the world? ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION What do the Scriptures tell us about the origin of suffering in the world? The Scriptures tell us: A. Satan rebelled against God and tries to get others to rebel. Satan rebelled against God, and he wants to get as many people as he can to rebel against God (Lk 22.31; 1 P 5.8–9). He is a liar and murderer (Jn 8.44). Those who obey him lie, kill, and destroy. B. Adam and Eve chose to disobey God. God created people with the freedomto choose good or evil. Adamand Eve are the ancestors of all people. They chose to disobey God. When they did, evil and death entered the world (Gn 3.1–24). All people, Christians and non-Christians, experience the effects of Adam and Eve’s disobedience (Ro 5.12).

C. God gives all of us the freedom to choose whether we will obey him or not.

We all have the freedom to choose good or evil. God is grieved when we choose to do bad things, but he lets us make our own choices (Mt 23.37b, Ro 3.10–18). Sometimes, even though we obey God, we suffer because of other people’s evil choices (1 P 2.20–22; 3.14–17).

4. How does God use suffering? ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

1. How has God used suffering in your life? 2. Think of a Scripture passage that relates to the way God has used suffering in your life.

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

Get feedback in the large group and add anything in this section that has not already been mentioned.

A. God uses suffering to purify our faith. When gold is heated over a very hot fire, the bits of dirt in it rise to the top. These can be skimmed off, leaving pure gold. Suffering is like fire: it is painful, but it results in purifying our faith in God (1 P 1.6–7; Jas 1.2–4). It makes us yearn for God’s kingdom (Ro 8.18; 2 Co 4.16–18; Ro 5.3–5; 1 P 3.14–17). God’s love is stronger than any suffering. In terrible situations when everything else is taken from us, we are assured that God’s grace is all we really need (2 Co 12.9–10). B. God turns evil into good. Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, but God used this experience to deliver the Israelites from famine (Gn 50.18–20). God turned the greatest evil that was ever done into the greatest good for us all when Jesus was crucified on the cross (Acts 3.13–15; Phil 2.8–11). God works in ways we don’t always understand, but we can always trust his character (Ro 8.28; 11.33–36). In the end, Satan will be completely defeated (Rev 20.10). C. God comforts us in our suffering so we can comfort others. God comforts us when we suffer. He holds us in his arms (Is 40.11). He comforts us with his Word (Ps 119.50, 92). We can pass on this same comfort to others when they suffer (2 Co 1.3–5). 5. Why is it difficult to believe in God’s goodness when we suffer? In addition to cultural beliefs, there are other things that can keep us from believing in God’s goodness when we suffer.

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

A. Some teaching can make it difficult to believe in God’s goodness. i. When we only hear about God’s anger and judgment.

Sometimes we hear a lot about how God judges us when we sin, but not much about how God loves us. It is true that God is all-powerful, but wemust also remember his great love for us (Jr 31.3; Lm3.22–23; 1 Jn 4.9–10). ii. If we are told that sufferingmeanswe haven’t done enough to pleaseGod. We may be told that we are suffering because we have not been good enough to please God. God’s love is not based on our behavior. He loved us before we turned to him (Ro 5.8; Titus 3.4–5; 1 Jn 4.19). He continues to love us by grace, not because of what we do (Ro 3.23–24; Eph 2.8–9). iii. When we are taught that God promises prosperity for everyone who believes. If we are taught that people who obey God will always be rich and healthy, we may feel guilty for suffering. We may feel that we have caused our own suffering by our lack of obedience and faith. The apostle Paul is a good example of someone who suffered a lot even though he was very obedient to God (2 Co 1.8–10). B. It is difficult to remember God’s goodness when we do not do the things that will help our faith grow strong. As we follow Jesus and study the Bible, we learn the truth about God and this sets us free from the lies of Satan (Jn 8.31–32; 2 Ti 3.14–17). Christians need tomeet together for teaching, prayer, and fellowship (Acts 2.42; Phil 4.6–7; He 10.24–25). If these things are missing, we will find it much harder to believe in God’s goodness when we suffer. C. It is difficult to remember God’s goodness when the Church does not speak out against evil and injustice. God put the Church in the world to challenge injustice and to help those in need (Lk 4.18–19; Mt 25.31–46). When the Church does not

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

do its work, evil increases, and people find it difficult to believe that God is really good like the Bible says.

D. Childhood experiences can sometimes make it difficult to believe in God’s goodness.

Children need to feel secure and protected from evil. If we have experienced difficult things as a child, we may find it difficult to trust others or God when we become adults. For example, if we grew up without a father or mother, or if our father was often angry with us, then it might be hard for us to believe that our heavenly Father loves us. The Bible teaches us that God is a loving Father (Mt 6.9–13; Jn 17.24; Ro 8.14–17).

A loving father

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

❂❂ DISCUSSION IN TWOS Think about your own father. As a child, did you experience his love? How does your experience with your earthly father affect your experience with your heavenly Father?

EXERCISE: EXPERIENCING GOD’S LOVE

1. Close your eyes. Now imagine you are a child and God is your loving Father. Sense the love in his eyes as he looks at you. Now listen as these verses are read aloud: Lamentations 3.21–23 1 John 3.1–2 1 John 4.9–10 1 Peter 5.7 2. Inspect your heart. Do you have any hidden doubts about God’s love? If so, tell them to God. 3. Sing some songs about God’s love for us. Psalm 103.13–14 Romans 8.14–16

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If God Loves Us, Why Do We Suffer?

Lesson 2 HOW CAN THE WOUNDS OF OUR HEARTS BE HEALED?

1. The fire It was three in the morning when the phone rang in Laurel and Pete’s bedroom. Laurel looked sleepily at Pete as he answered it, but became more alert as he started to get out of bed as he listened to the caller. “Bad fire,” he said, “and it’s coming this way!” Pete was a firefighter and Laurel was used to him being called out in the night, but some- how this seemed more serious than usual. Within five minutes Pete was out of the house on his way to the fire. Laurel wondered if she should wake the children, but first she went downstairs to turn on the television and find out what was happening. Just as Laurel found a channel reporting on the fire, she heard cars driving outside, with loudspeakers telling everyone to get out. It took a while to get the three kids awake and dressed and into the car. As they left, clouds of smoke were getting nearer and they could even see the fire in the distance. Finally they arrived at a friend’s house outside the danger zone. Laurel was so relieved to be safe, but then she began to worry about Pete. There was no news for some hours but then Laurel got a message from a nearby hospital saying she should come at once because her husband was seriously hurt. As she rushed off, Laurel wondered if she would ever see Pete alive again. At the hospital, she heard that two other men in his unit had been killed and that Pete had burns on most of his body, his leg was crushed, and he had internal injuries. For three dreadful days, she thought he was going to die, but once they amputated his leg, he began to recover. It was a long time, though, before he could leave the hospital.

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How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?

When he recovered, Pete was given a job in the office of the fire department. Laurel felt that things should be returning to normal but each week has seemed worse than the last. They both are having trouble sleeping and often have nightmares. But the worst part of it for Laurel has been Pete’s personality change. Before the fire, he was generally a happy and balanced guy, but now he gets angry over little things. The children are beginning to be scared of their father because he yells at them when they make any noise. Laurel knows Pete is hurting inside because of the loss of his leg, but he won’t talk about it because he thinks men should be strong. His friends just behave as though nothing has happened, but for Pete, his whole life has changed. Laurel is becoming more and more depressed. She’s lost interest in eating. It’s especially hard for her at church because she is angry at God for not protecting her husband. Was God not able to protect him? Did God not care? What happened? Their pastor preaches that people who have strong faith in God are always H-A-P-P-Y and full of joy. Laurel knows this is not how she feels. Finally Laurel talks to her small group leader, Pat. As she talks, she begins to cry and can’t stop sobbing. It feels like pressure inside her has been released. Pat listens to Laurel tell what had happened. She asks Laurel to explain how she felt during the whole experience, and finally they talk about what the hardest part of the experience was for Laurel. Laurel goes away feeling relieved.They have agreed to get together again for coffee the next week. ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1. Besides the loss of Pete’s leg, what else has he lost? What has Laurel lost? What do you think their children have lost? 2. In your area, what are some things people have lost? 3. What does your culture teach people to do with their emo- tions when they are suffering inside?

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How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?

2. What is a wound of the heart? Our hearts can be wounded when we are overwhelmed with intense fear, helplessness, or horror in the face of death. A. A heart wound is like a physical wound. ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1. Think of a physical wound: How does it heal? What helps it heal? 2. How is a wound of the heart like a physical wound? Copy the information from the left column of this chart on a black- board or a large piece of paper (in advance, if possible). Then, as a large group, discuss the ways a heart wound is similar to a physical wound and fill in the right column.

Physical Wound

Heart Wound

It is invisible, but shows up in the person’s behavior.

It is visible.

It is painful, and must be treated with care. It is painful, and must be treated with care. If ignored, it is likely to get worse. If ignored, it is likely to get worse. It must be cleaned to remove any foreign objects or dirt. The pain has to come out. If there is any sin, it must be confessed.

If a wound heals on the surface with infection still inside, it will cause the person to become very sick. Only God can bring healing, but he often uses people and medi- cine to do so.

If people pretend their emotional wounds are healed when really they are not, it will cause the person greater problems. Only God can bring healing, but he often uses people and an understanding of how our emo- tions heal to do so.

If not treated, it attracts flies.

If not treated, it attracts sin.

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How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?

Physical Wound

Heart Wound

It takes time to heal.

It takes time to heal.

A healed heart wound also may leave a scar. People can be healed, but they will not be exactly the same as before the wound.

A healed wound may leave a scar.

B. How do people with wounded hearts behave? Proverbs 4.23 tells us: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (NLT). What happens to our hearts affects how we live. ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION Can you think of people who are showing unusual behavior because their hearts are wounded? How do they act? Some people with wounded hearts are always tense. Every loud noise makes them jump. They are frightened all the time and expect another bad thing to happen at any moment. They may be so tense they can’t fall asleep, or they may wake up very early. At times, they may shake or have a fast or irregular heart beat. At other times they may have difficulty breathing or feel dizzy or faint (Ps 55.4–5). They may be very sad and depressed; they may lose interest in eating and cry a lot. They may be very angry, hateful, and can become violent. For example, women who have been raped may be angry at all men. Some people with wounded hearts may avoid anything that brings back memories of traumatic events they have experienced. For instance, people who have gone through a war in which airplanes dropped bombs on them may now be very frightened by the sound of an airplane. They may avoid airports. Some people who have been hurt by Christians may refuse to go to church. Some people with wounded hearts feel numb. They don’t care very much what happens to them. They have no energy. They are no longer disturbed by violence or seeing dead bodies.

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Many people with wounded hearts find themselves thinking about the event all the time. At times, they may feel they are back in the event, re-living it. This can happen while they are awake or in their dreams, as nightmares. Thinking about the event all the time will make it hard for them to concentrate on a particular task. For example, schoolchildren may find it difficult to study. Some peoplemay tell everyone about what has happened over and over again. Others may refuse to talk about it at all. Some people with wounded hearts may try to kill the pain by taking drugs or alcohol. Some may not be able to remember what happened, or may only remember part of what happened. Others may eat too much or work too much to avoid feeling the pain. All these reactions are normal in people who have been through bad things like war. These reactions may happen immediately, or may be delayed and start happening a long time after the event. C. What makes some wounds of the heart more serious? Some situations are more difficult than others. For example: 1. Something very personal, for example, a family member dying or being betrayed by a close friend. 2. Something that goes on for a long time. 3. Something that happens many times over a period of time. 4. Something connected with death. 5. Something that people have done intentionally to cause pain rather than something that is accidental. People react to painful events differently. Two peoplemay go through the same event, but one may have a severe reaction while the other is not affected much at all. A person is likely to react more severely to trauma if he or she: • always wants someone else to tell them what to do. • has mental illness or emotional problems. • is usually sad or is sensitive.

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• had many bad things happen in the past, particularly if they happened when he or she was a child, like both parents dying. • already had many problems before this happened. • did not have the support of family or friends during and after the event.

3. What does the Bible teach us about how to handle our feelings?

Some Christians who have troubles like these say that we shouldn’t think or talk about our feelings. They also say that we shouldn’t go to others for help with our troubles. They say we should just forget the past and move on. They think that feeling pain in our hearts means we are doubting God’s promises. This is not true! ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION What do these verses teach about handling our feelings? Matthew 26.37–38 (Jesus) Matthew 26.75 (Peter) 1Samuel 1.10, 13–16(Hannah) John 11.33–35 (Jesus) Jonah 4.1–3 (Jonah) Psalm 55.4–6 (David) Jesus had strong feelings and shared them with his disciples. Paul teaches us to share our problems with each other as a way of caring for each other (Ga 6.2; Phil 2.4). The Old Testament is full of examples of people pouring out their hearts to God: for example, Hannah, David, Solomon, Jeremiah. The psalmist tells us that if we hold our pain in, it can make us sick. “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long” (Ps 32.3, NIV). God wants us to be honest and speak the truth from our hearts.

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How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?

4. How can we help people heal from the wounds of their heart? ❂❂ EXERCISE

Do a skit that shows someone listening well to another person, and one that shows someone not listening well. Discuss what you observe. One way people get pain out of their hearts is by talking about it. Usually people need to talk to another person about their pain before they are ready to talk to God about it. If they are able to talk about their bad experiences, then after a while their reactions will become less and less intense. But if people are not able to talk about their pain, and if there is no one to help them, these reactions may continue for months and even years. This talking can be done one on one or in a small group. The group should not be more than ten or twelve people, so that everyone has a chance to speak. The group could be married couples, a family, or people who experienced a painful event together. If some people do not want to talk about their problems, they can be invited to listen. In time, they may be ready to share, too. It’s important to find a safe and quiet place so that people can talk freely. Babies and small children should be cared for so parents can talk without being distracted by them. The group will probably need to meet more than once. A. What is the goal of letting people talk about their pain? By giving people the opportunity to talk about their pain, they can: • Gain an honest understanding of what happened and how it has affected them. • Accept what happened. • Be able to trust God, rest in him, and let him heal them (Ps 62.8; 103.3).

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How Can the Wounds of Our Hearts Be Healed?

B. What is a good listener like? ❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION With what kind of person would you feel free to share your deep pain? For people to feel free to share the deep wounds of their hearts, they need to know that the person: • Cares about them. • Will keep the information confidential (Pr 11.13). • Will not criticize them or give them quick solutions (Pr 18.13). • Will listen and understand their pain (Pr 20.5). • Will not minimize their pain by comparing it with his or her own. Church leaders can identify wise and caring people and train them for this ministry. Allow the hurt person to choose the one with whom he or she feels most at ease. C. How can we listen? The listener should let the speaker speak at his or her own pace. It may take several meetings before the whole story has been discussed. The following questions may help the listener to guide the person into telling their story:

1. What happened? 2. How did you feel? 3. What was the hardest part for you?

Show you are listening by responding in appropriate ways. This may be by looking at them, or by saying words of agreement like “Mmm.” Don’t look out the window or at your watch. Don’t seem impatient for them to finish. It is important to be sensitive to their culture as you listen. For example, eye contact when listening or speaking may or may not be appropriate.

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From time to time, repeat what you think the person has said. This will give the person a chance to correct, restate, or affirm your understanding. If people become very distressed talking about their experience, it’s not helpful to continue. Let them take a break, think about other things, and get calm inside. They can resume telling their story when they feel ready. If the person remembers dreams, encourage him to talk about them, and what he thinks they mean. This may be their inner self working through the event while they are asleep, or it may also be God speaking to them in their pain (Job 33.13–18). The meaning of dreams can be symbolic and needs to be interpreted (Gn 37.5–8). The things that happen in dreams should not be taken as if they occurred in real life. Commit any distressing dreams to the Lord in prayer (Dn 2.20–22). When the person is ready, pray for him or her. Eventually, people need to bring their pain to the Lord themselves, but it may take time for them to be ready to do so.

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D. Serious cases People who are very wounded may need more help than you are able to give them by listening to their pain. To evaluate how seriously a person has been wounded, look at: • How many problems they have in the way they behave (see Section 2B). • How frequently the problems occur. • How intense the problems are. • How many months the problems last. • If the problems keep them from taking care of themselves and their families. People who are seriously wounded need professional help. If a psy- chologist or psychiatrist is not available, an ordinary doctor or nurse may at least give them medicine to calm them down and help them sleep. Divide the participants into groups of two. Have each person in turn tell about one bad thing that has happened—a small event rather than something very big. The other person listens. Listeners must be careful to listen properly and to show they have understood and are sharing in the speaker’s pain. They should use the questions sug- gested in section 4C. After ten minutes, switch roles. In a large group discuss: • How did you feel during this exercise? • Was anything difficult? • Did you feel heard when you were listened to?Why or why not? • What did the listener do well? LISTENING EXERCISE

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ART EXERCISE

Have markers and paper or modeling clay available. Have everyone get quiet inside and ask God to show them the pain in their hearts. Then they can begin drawing or modeling clay without thinking about it too much, letting the pain come out through the fingers. Drawings may be symbolic rather than realistic. Each person will use symbols that mean something to him or her. For example, a cigarette might represent a brother who smokes. Allow 30–45 minutes for people to work individually. Then, in small groups, let those who would like to share: 1. Tell about their drawing. 2. Explain anything new they realized about their situation through this exercise.

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Lesson 3 WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEONE IS GRIEVING?

1. The night that changed Tony’s life Tony was home with his family after a long day at school and work. He lived on the “bad” side of town—if you weren’t from there you would never go there, except by accident. Tony lived in a cramped one-bedroomapartment with his two younger brothers and his mom. He had goals to finish high school and make a good life for himself and his family. He worked hard to stay out of trouble and to avoid the gangs that so many of his friends had joined. One night Tony took an extra shift at the pizza place where he worked, so he didn’t get home until 11 p.m. The busy corner where he lived was on the line dividing two opposing gangs in his neighbor- hood. They were continually fighting for control of this neutral street. On this night, a terrible battle broke out right in front of Tony’s house. His mom was on her way home from picking up his brothers and they found themselves in the middle of it. His youngest brother was shot and killed immediately, and Joe, his other brother, was seriously wounded and taken to the hospital. Tony came home to see police tape on the scene and blood splat- tered on the sidewalk. There was an eerie silence. He went inside and found no one home. There was a message on the answering machine. He listened to the recording of his mom’s shaky voice calling from the hospital to tell him what happened. Weeks after the youngest brother’s funeral, Joe returned home from the hospital in a wheelchair. Tony’s grief began to overwhelm him. He found himself crying when he least expected it. This made him feel embarrassed and he tried hard to hold in his feelings. He began losing sleep and was tormented with thoughts of guilt and

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What Happens When Someone Is Grieving?

regret. “If only I had been there, I could have stopped it!” Over and over again these thoughts ran through hismind. He also began to plot revenge on the gang members who had destroyed his family. Before long, he got an F on a test in algebra—a first for him. His boss threat- ened to fire him because he was making so many mistakes on the job. Tony’s mom became withdrawn and unable to care for the two boys. They began acting out in school and were on the verge of being expelled. Every night there was shouting in their apartment.

❂❂ SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION 1. What is Tony experiencing? 2. Have you ever felt like Tony?

2. What is grieving? Grieving is mourning the loss of something. This might be the loss of a family member or a friend. It might be the loss of a body part or the function of part of the body. It might be the loss of property or position. Whether small or enormous, all losses affect us and make us experience some degree of grieving (Ne 1.3–4). When people lose someone or something very important to them, they may lose their sense of who they are. This is particularly true when a spouse dies, for example, or when someone loses a part of their body or their sight. Through the grieving process, a person’s former sense of who they are changes and adjusts to their new way of life. This takes time. Because Adam and Eve sinned, death came into the world, and grieving is part of the normal process of recovering from a loss. Only in heaven will there be nomore crying (Rev 21.4). Because Christians have the hope of heaven, when they grieve they do not despair like non-Christians do (1Th4.13). They are sad, but they are not without hope or comfort.

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What Happens When Someone Is Grieving?

3. How can we grieve in a way that brings healing? Grieving takes time and energy. It is like a journey that requires stops at several camps, but leads to healing (Is 61.1–3).

The journey of grief

A. The Camp of Denial and Anger Camp 1 is the Camp of Denial and Anger. Just after people experi- ence a loss, they are often numb and not completely aware of what is happening around them. They can’t believe that the person has really died, or that the event actually happened. At other moments they may suddenly start to cry or erupt in anger. They may be angry with God, or with the person who has died for leaving them alone. They may have many questions such as, “If only I had done this or that, he wouldn’t have died,” or, “I wish I had . . .” Or “Why did it happen to me?” A personmay also be tempted to find someone to blame for the death, and they may try to take revenge. This often results in conflict and broken relationships which increase the pain. Sometimes people refuse to believe that the person is really dead. They think that the person is still there. Often people dreamof seeing or hearing the dead person. This happens to people all around the world, and is not necessarily connected with evil spirits.

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