Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 6: Testing Spiritual Friends (Book 3.39–75)

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Finally, that familiarity which embraces these accessories to friendship must be denied him, but love must not be withdrawn. Moreover, this process of withdrawal should be performed with a certain moderation and reverence, such that unless there is excessive revulsion between the two former friends, some traces of the old friendship always appear to remain. Aelred Summarizes His Main Points So Far (3.52−58) 53. GRATIAN: What you say is certainly very agreeable to me. AELRED: Tell me whether what I’ve said about the choice of friends is sufficient. WALTER: I would prefer that you give us a summary, sort of a brief epilogue, of the things that you said. 54. AELRED: I’ll grant your request. I said that love is the beginning of friendship. Not love of every kind whatsoever, but that which proceeds at once from reason and affection, which is indeed chaste because it proceeds from reason, and agreeable because it proceeds from affection. Finally, I said that a foundation must be laid for friendship, namely, the love of God. To this love of God everything that has to do with friendship must be compared; one must examine whether the concerns of a friendship are in keeping with the love of God, or opposed to it. 55. After that, I maintained that we should establish four steps by which one reaches the summit of friendship: first, a friend must be chosen; then he must be tested; then at length he must be admitted to our friendship; and “To this love of God everything that has to do with friendship must be compared.”