Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

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Spiritual Friendship

The Oikos Principle and Biblical Examples of Spiritual Friendship

Spiritual friendships are difficult to build and maintain in western culture for at least four reasons. (1) Western culture approaches the world in far more individualistic ways than other cultures and generations. 1 (2) We tend to be very task- oriented and leave little time for nurturing relationships. 2 (3) We tend to sexualize relationships and so limit the possibilities for friendship that were once common. 3 (4) We are far more transitory than previous generations. Making friends takes time, and we often begin to establish friendships only to move and leave them behind. Doubtless we could add additional reasons, but these four challenges to spiritual friendship provide some initial clarity as to why a recovery of Aelred’s wisdom about spiritual friendship is vitally important for Christian leaders today. As we explore spiritual friendship below, please remember that all friendships are a gift from God, especially spiritual friendships. Whether you have many spiritual friendships, or very few, this appendix provides encouragement to make the pursuit of spiritual friendship a high priority in your life and ministry. It begins by looking at findings from social scientist Robin Dunbar and at the example of King David to emphasize the importance of strategically prioritizing 1 Simon Chan, Spiritual Theology: A Systematic Study of the Christian Life (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, 1998), 174. 2 Klaus Issler, Wasting Time With God: A Christian Spirituality of Friendship With God (Downers Grove: IVP, 2001), 255n3; Ajith Fernando, Reclaiming Friendship: Relating to Each Other in a Frenzied World (Scottdale, PA: Herald, 1993), 16−17. 3 I disagree with many of Alan Bray’s ethical conclusions. But he is surely correct when he writes, “The inability to conceive of relationships in other than sexual terms says something of contemporary poverty …” (Alan Bray, The Friend [Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2003], 6).