Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 2: The Definition and Origin of Spiritual Friendship (Book 1.31–71)

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34. I hope that it will not be bothersome to you, if I believe that you should separate that friendship which is spiritual from the many other kinds of friendship. Spiritual friendship is to some extent involved with and obscured by other kinds of friendships, which can hinder those who desire spiritual friendship and are seeking after it, and entice them, if I might put it this way, to dissociate from fellowship. If you compare these different types of friendships, you will make spiritual friendship clearer and thus more desirable to me, and so make me more eager to attain it. You Cannot Love a Friend if You Do Not Love Yourself (1.35) 35. AELRED: Worldly people falsely assume for themselves the outstanding name of friendship if they base their bond upon an agreement in vices, since he who does not love is not a friend. But he who loves iniquity does not love his fellow man, for “he who loves iniquity does not love, but rather hates his own soul.” 1 And certainly he who does not love his own soul will in no way be capable of loving the soul of another. 2

1 This is a possible reading of the Latin Vulgate translation of Ps 10:6, which in English is Ps 11:5). 2 Some twenty years before writing Spiritual Friendship Aelred wrote a longer book about love called The Mirror of Charity . In it he spends significant time explaining why Jesus’ Great Commandment (Matt 22:37−40) requires a threefold love. Aelred tells us that if we diligently examine this command we “discover that three things must be loved: yourself, your neighbor, and God” ( Mirror of Charity , 3.2.4).