Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 5: Choosing Spiritual Friends (Book 3.1–38)

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18. GRATIAN: We think that a friend of yours, whom you prefer to all of us (as it seems to many), a few days ago both did and said something which clearly displeased you—it was impossible to miss it—and yet we do not see any evidence that your prior good will toward him is at all diminished. And so we are quite mystified that, as we speak together, you make no demands upon him, or put up with the trifles that he asks of you, while he himself cannot abide any trifle for your sake. 19. WALTER: Gratian is far bolder than I. For I also know these things, but I did not presume to discuss any of these matters with you, since I am aware of your feelings for this man. 20. AELRED: Indeed that man is most dear to me, and at the same time, since I have received him in friendship, it will never be possible for me not to love him. And so if by chance I was stronger in this matter than he was, and since our two wills did not agree on the matter, it was easier for me to give up my desire than it was for him. Where there was no question of dishonesty, where no harm came to faith and virtue was not diminished, I had to yield to my friend, so that I might put up with him where he appeared to transgress, and where his peace was endangered, I might put his will before my own. Five Habits That Will Destroy Any Friendship (3.21−27) 21. WALTER: But although your earlier friend has now gone on to his reward, your other friend—this was impossible for us to overlook—has pleased you. But now I would have you lay out for us those five reasons by which friendship is so harmed that it is dissolved, so that