Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 6: Testing Spiritual Friends (Book 3.39–75)

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69. Our Lord and Savior himself prescribed for us the form of true friendship when he said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt 22:39; Lev 19:18 ). Behold, here is the reflection of love: Do you love yourself? Yes, indeed, if you love God, and surely if you are the sort of person I described as worthy to be chosen for friendship. But do you think that you should give yourself some reward for this love of yourself? Not at all: everyone holds himself dear. Therefore, unless you transfer this affection for yourself to another, and love your friend freely, because your friend is dear to you simply because of who he is, you will not be able to enjoy the pleasures of true friendship. 70. For then the person you love will become like another self once you have taken your Christian love and poured it forth onto him. xix As the blessed Ambrose said, “Friendship does not exist to produce income, but rather is full of beauty and grace. Thus it is a virtue, not something to be acquired, because it is begotten not by money but by grace, not by bidding with prices but by competition in the display of goodwill.” 13 Therefore the intent of the one you have chosen for friendship must be tested acutely, lest your friend desire to be joined with you simply out of hope for some kind of practical gain, thinking friendship more a matter of commerce than of grace. This is why friendships among the poor are far more certain than those of the rich, since poverty removes the hope of gain from a friendship, so that it does not diminish but rather increases the love of the friendship. 71. And so people oblige the rich so as to flatter them, but no one is disingenuous to a poor person. Whatever

13 Ambrose, On the Duties of the Clergy, 3.134.