Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 4: The Advantages and Excellence of Spiritual Friendship (Book 2.28–72)

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How Do We Distinguish between Lesser Friendships and Spiritual Friendship? (2.54−56) 54. WALTER: Therefore, since it is certain that many are deceived by the appearance of friendship, please explain what sort of friendships we should avoid, and what sort we should seek out, nourish, and preserve. 55. AELRED: Since it has been agreed that friendship cannot exist except among the good, it is easy to see that you should accept no friendship which would disgrace people of good character. 56. GRATIAN: But perhaps we cannot discern clearly in making the distinction between what is disgraceful and what is not. “Childish Friendship” Is Not Spiritual Friendship (2.57−59) 57. AELRED: I will do what you ask and briefly note the sorts of friendship I think should be avoided, when we encounter them. There is childish friendship, the sort that comes from a wandering and sportive affection. x It follows every passerby ( Ezek 16:25 ), without reason, without weight, without moderation, without any consideration of whether the friendship will be spiritually beneficial or not. This sort of friendship has a powerful effect for a while; it draws two people fairly close together, it beckons them flatteringly. But affection without reason is the sort of attraction mere beasts feel for each other; among humans it is given to forming attachments that are in many respects illicit— indeed, it cannot tell the difference between the licit and