Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

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Spiritual Friendship

the illicit. However, we understand that often affection precedes friendship, but it ought never to be followed unless it is led by reason, moderated by a sense of honor, and ruled by justice. 58. And so that sort of friendship, which I have characterized as childish simply because such affection holds sway more commonly among the young, should by all means be avoided by those who take delight in spiritual friendship, since it is unfaithful, unstable, and always alloyed with impure emotions. I do not call it “friendship” so much as the “poison of friendship” since in it one is never able to maintain the legitimate expressions of love, which proceeds from one soul to another. Rather, arising like smoke from the lust of the flesh, it conceals and corrupts the honorable, natural quality of friendship until, with the neglect of the spirit, it leads to the desires of the flesh. 59. Therefore the beginning of spiritual friendship should be marked, first, by purity of intent, the advice of reason, and the guide of temperance; and so, if friendship is guided by these principles, when one experiences intense affection, this proper friendship will immediately appear pleasant, so that it never ceases to be well ordered. (There is also the sort of friendship which is founded upon a similarity between shameful characters; but of this I will refuse to speak, since it is considered unworthy of the name of friendship, as we have said already.) 10

10 See Aelred’s discussion of “fleshy friendship” (1.38−41) and “worldly friendship” (1.42−44) above.