Spiritual Friendship: Learning to Be Friends with God and One Another

Chapter 8: Giving and Receiving between Spiritual Friends (Book 3.97–134)

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whomever he wishes, should he give preference in such promotions to those whom he loves and by whom he is loved? And even among his friends should he promote those whom he loves more ahead of those whom he loves less? 115. AELRED: In this matter also, it is worthwhile to investigate how friendship ought to be cultivated. For there are some who think that they are not loved because it is not possible for them to receive preferment; and they pretend that they are looked down on, if they are not involved with responsibilities and duties. For this reason, we know that no small disputes have arisen among those who count themselves as friends, so that alienation followed indignation, and abuse followed alienation. And so in the matter of dignities and offices, and especially in church offices, you must exercise great caution, and be attentive not to what advancement you can confer, but to what the friend to whom you offer the advancement is able to bear. xxvi 116. For there are many who are to be loved, but who need not therefore be given preferment; and we laudably and sweetly embrace many whom we still may not place in positions of responsibility and difficulty without involving ourselves in grave sin and them in the greatest danger. For this reason, in these matters we should follow our heads rather than our hearts; and we should impose such an honor (or burden) not on those whom we consider closer friends, but upon those whom we consider more fit to handle the responsibility. Still, where we find there are equal qualifications, I do not greatly disapprove if one’s affection takes account of its own preferences.